lately...

It's been a while.

I'll be honest, I have not felt like very inspired to do much of anything. I think I just needed time to process everything that has happened in the last few months. Grief is a funny thing. There are days when I feel great & almost like everything is just as it has always been. But then there are days when the pain is too much. The days when I just want her back. I want to see her car pulling up in front of our house & to see her bright smile, hear her infectious laugh or pull her into the tightest hug & never let go.

I've never considered myself to be someone who struggles with anxiety but lately I have found myself battling with feelings of anxiousness more often than I care to admit. And while I'm admitting things, I used to be able to say that I'd never had a panic attack but that is no longer the case.

After my panic attack, which left me curled up on my bedroom floor feeling completely helpless, someone asked me what I've been thinking about. I didn't have any idea. I truly thought I was doing okay & then seemingly out of nowhere it just hit me. Now, I realize that the morning of my panic attack an old friend from high school contacted me to tell me that his wife had passed away after a long battle with cancer. Of course, my heart grieved for him & his daughters but I didn't think it affected me so much that I'd find myself so overwhelmed. If I am being honest with myself I had felt the anxiety building for days leading up to the attack; rapid heartbeat, unable to catch my breath, restless, unable to sleep, feelings of weakness...so I guess you could say it wasn't really out of nowhere.

I don't think it is depression. I battled postpartum depression & this is not that. I think it's just heartbreak. When Olivia passed away I think a small piece of me died with her. The part that had hope for her & for her future. It doesn't feel as raw anymore but the feelings of loss & of guilt & of things left unsaid is still very much a part of every day life. But I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the grace & peace I feel as well. God has opened my eyes to gratitude. My birthday just passed & all I could think of was how thankful I am. I'm still here. I'm alive. I am healthy. My husband is healthy. My kids are healthy. It's something that I want to remind myself of daily - I can choose joy despite the pain. I could dwell in the darkness that can so often surround death but I am choosing to focus on what God has blessed me with instead. He promised to be near to the broken hearted & to save those crushed in spirit so that tells me that He was fully aware that there would be times when we would experience those things. Walking with the Lord doesn't mean my life will be absent of pain & heartbreak. It means that I never have to walk through those things alone because He is with me & He comforts me in a way that only He can.

Going along with that theme, here are some things I have enjoyed & am grateful for recently:

Ashlyn turned 17!

and had a socially distanced birthday party...

We took a quick trip to Tahoe with Olivia's family to celebrate her life...

Dominic came to visit & made Ashlyn the coolest seat for her to sit in while she plays the guitar...

Ashlyn cut her hair!

She was pretty happy about it...

Ashlyn & I went to Santa Cruz with some old friends who just recently began their own journey with type 1 diabetes. I would never wish T1D on anyone but I am thankful that we have also walked this road & are able to walk alongside them as they live out their new normal...

And the kids started the new school year as a Sophomore & a Senior...

I truly have so much to be thankful for every day of this life.