This is probably one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write.
On June 17, 2020 Olivia passed away unexpectedly. We still aren't sure what exactly happened but we do know that she fell asleep that night much like any other night; with her laptop on her chest so she could watch her shows as she fell asleep.
It all still seems really surreal. Part of me still expects her to show up on our doorstep for one of her random visits, to see her face pop up on my phone when she calls or find more of the memes that she would DM me every day.
I wanted so much more for Olivia in this life. I wanted the world to see the girl that I knew. I wanted them to see her potential, her intelligence, her beautiful smile & her outgoing personality. I wanted them to see the girl who ultimately just wanted to love & be loved in return. Let me tell you a little bit about the girl I knew:
When I met Olivia she was just 14 years old & I was…well, we don’t really need to get into that. I ended up offering her rides to & from the story studio & regardless of our age difference, she & I became fast friends. It actually turned out that Olivia knew Landon because she served in his Sunday school class when he was just 4 years old. Over the years though, we all grew a lot closer. What started with rides to The Story, occasional dinners & nights spent watching Warriors games at our house turned into something that none of us could have ever predicted. She’s became like part of our family & I loved her like one of my own.
We jokingly referred to ourselves as Olivia’s bonus family. When Olivia lived with us she was a regular face around the dinner table for Chris’ meals. She was a part of our family movie nights, our annual camping trips to Tahoe, Thanksgivings & Christmases. She helped us move, she assisted with yard work & even offered to fix up our front yard. She loved Ashlyn & Landon & often referred to them as her little sister & brother. “Ashes of the wind” & “Lanchop” as she would call them. When Ashlyn got her schedule for her freshmen year at Northgate Olivia took her around & showed her where all her classrooms were located & even drew her a detailed map so she would know exactly where to go & wouldn’t be scared. She helped Landon with math & with homework meltdowns & when he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes she set out to learn as much as she could so that she would able to help with his blood sugars. They spent hours outside; riding bikes, skating, making secret forts & playing basketball. They even fought like siblings & we occasionally had to sit everyone down for a family meeting to talk things out.
Olivia could be so caring & considerate & when I injured my back a few years ago she dropped everything to help me. She drove me to doctor appointments, to the pharmacy & helped out around the house. She was one of my very favorite people to run errands with.
Olivia was incredibly smart. She loved anatomy & knew most of the bones in the body. That, along with one of her favorite tv shows is where my nickname of “Bones” originated. She excelled at math & actually really enjoyed it. No, seriously, like she took math classes for fun! I was thankful because she would often help my kids with their math homework. She would also frequently ask me if I knew how to do different math problems & was increasingly frustrated because I never did. She would roll her eyes & exclaim, “come on- you know this!” I really didn’t. But she was also an extremely good teacher & is pretty much the only one who could patiently sit down & explain different equations & theorems. I still couldn’t explain them to you now if my life depended on it but at least she tried.
Olivia loved music. I can’t tell you how many videos I have of the times that she put on mini concerts at our house, complete with vocals & choreography. Her tastes were vast & she would sing everything from Jealous by Nick Jonas to God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood. Some of my favorite memories of Olivia are from the many concerts we went to over the years.
She had an incredible memory & could spout off dates & the coinciding events with ease. She loved her tv shows & could quote lines from all of her favorites like- The Office, Bones, LOST, House, Superstore & Parks & Rec. She had recently gotten into survivalist shows like Alone, Naked & Afraid & Dual Survivor. It brought out her desire to take up fishing & she spent a good amount of time telling me everything she had learned about survival.
Olivia was an incredible artist & writer. She painted such vivid pictures with her words that you could almost feel exactly how she was feeling when she wrote them. She loved to skate & I remember her mom telling me how she was so in awe of how truly fearless Olivia was when she skated. She also loved basketball & was one of Landon’s biggest supporters, coming to many of his games & cheering loudly from the sidelines. She especially loved the Warriors but she quickly set out to learn all about the NBA, the different teams, the various players & stats. She would get so fired up watching the games. She was also extremely patriotic & was so proud when her brother, Noah, joined the Marines.
Olivia was very particular about the foods that she liked. She loved brown rice with salt & my family will forever laugh about the time that we took her to PF Changs & she asked the waiter for a side of salt (because they don’t have salt shakers). She quickly realized that the bowl the waiter brought out & that she had already sprinkled all over her bowl of rice was in fact sugar & not salt. She liked quesadillas but only if they were made in a frying pan & had Taco Bell sauce on the side. She liked hot honey mustard & turkey sandwiches on gluten free buns, Chris’ lettuce wraps or his pad thai. Chris stretched her pallet quite a bit but she quickly discovered her favorites & would request them regularly. Of course, she also loved In n’ out. She once told me that she could literally eat there every day. She loved coffee & I’m sure anyone who knows her knew of her love for Red Bull. She also loved gum. Whenever Olivia had been around our house I had constant reminders because I would find her blue gum wrappers everywhere.
Olivia had her own unique sense of style. I loved that she never cared what other people thought. Olivia hated dresses! But as much as she despised them she was honored when her sister, Morgan, asked her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Despite the fact that she never wore a hat when I first met her, I don’t think I will ever be able to picture Olivia now without a hat on. A hat, sunglasses, her north face vest, her Ethika underwear, RSQ pants, Stance socks & Vans.
Olivia cared about people & any time she saw an accident or someone on the side of the road she would stop to help. A trait that she told me she learned from her dad. She carried orange traffic cones & a reflective vest in her car, just in case she needed to stop & help. She also had an extensive first aid kit with her at all times although I’m not sure if that was for others or because she was so prone to injuries herself. We used to laugh about how often she was in a cast & she has literally broken more bones & had more casts & braces than any person I have ever met. Oh, & she absolutely hated crutches.
In many ways Olivia was the life of the party- always looking forward to having a good time with the people she loved. She felt more content when she had something scheduled on her calendar because then she had something to look forward to. But her life was not all fun & I walked with her through a lot of truly difficult trials throughout the years. But anyone who really knew Olivia knew that she was a fighter. She never ever backed down.
Of course our friendship hasn’t been without its ups & downs. But what true relationship has? What I always wanted Olivia to know was that with love there is no limit. The Bible tells us that love is supposed to be patient & kind. It doesn’t insist on its own way. It isn’t resentful. Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love never ends. Loving others isn’t always easy but if the Bible says in Nehemiah 9:17 that God is “a God ready to forgive, gracious & merciful, slow to anger & abounding in steadfast love” then who am I to treat anyone else differently?
A lot of people didn’t understand our relationship or how she became like an extension of our family. They didn’t understand walking with someone through the messiest parts of their life, especially when it came at the risk of causing you serious pain as well. But I’ve come to learn that love, in its purest form, is lived without regard for what it might cost us. You are loving someone simply because you love them, not because it’s easy or because you will get anything in return. God has shown me that He owns all of our days & He brings each & every person who comes through our door. And every single one of those people provide us with an opportunity to love God by loving His people. We are called to love our neighbor & our neighbor isn’t just the person who looks & thinks like we do. I always wanted to love Olivia with the sacrificial love of Christ. I often needed to remind myself of Jesus’ example- Jesus didn’t care what other’s in society thought or if they didn’t approve. He didn’t care about the legalistic views of the people. Jesus knew that a radical love for our neighbor prioritized those who were outcasts, the marginalized & the suffering. It was considering others’ needs more important than our own.
I’ve come to learn that loving someone also means seeing the other person as an image bearer & not just seeing their sin. If you are constantly judging & pointing out someone’s sins you won’t facilitate a good relationship because ultimately your whole relationship is built on the law. We are to care for the person, not just focus on their sin. It’s our job to point them to Christ & His saving grace. If God doesn’t require us to fix ourselves before we come to Him then we shouldn’t require that of others. God calls us to come as we are, with faith & His Spirit will do the work of transforming & sanctifying us.
Jesus wanted every bit of everyone. The good, the bad & the ugly parts. He didn’t just surround himself with those who made themselves look good on the outside. Because Jesus ultimately sees our hearts. He doesn't expect us to be perfect here on this earth so we shouldn’t expect that of others. I always wanted Olivia to see that our family wasn’t flawless by any means. As people I think we are so used to covering up before we dare step out of hiding in case someone sees the blood, dirt, sweat or the brokenness in our lives. Well, Olivia saw our vulnerabilities & we saw hers. Sharing the broken truth about our lives shouldn't alienate us from each other. Walking through life with someone isn't always easy but we shouldn’t see those things as a reason to run or a reason to leave. We should see them as a reason to extend grace & mercy & to keep loving each other well.
I always told Olivia what I tell my own kids, “I may not agree with every decision you make in this life but I will always love you. No matter what.” I didn’t care what secrets she kept. I didn’t care if she made mistakes or if she failed. It wasn’t my job to condemn her, it was my job to point her to Christ & to, not just with words but with actions make sure she knew that I loved her. In so many ways I feel like I failed her but I know that God is Sovereign and what I hope Olivia knew deep down was that I did love her, always, no matter what.
Olivia Lauren Kertel
May 10, 1997 - June 17, 2020
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