back to school...

School started for Ashlyn and Landon this week.  I don't know about you but this mom is in total denial.

Like complete.

Seriously...it was dark when my alarm woke me up!  I'm sorry but there is just something really wrong with that!

The kids did amazingly well and were actually thrilled to go back to school.  Ashlyn repeatedly said that she couldn't wait to start.  I expected her to be timid and nervous and she was, but just a little.  Mostly she was just happy and excited.  

On the first day Landon was getting a ride to school with some friends so I gave him a hug before I left to take Ashlyn to school.  I turned to Ashlyn and offered to give her a hug at home so she wouldn't have to be embarrassed to give her mom a hug at school.  She told me, "I'm not that kind of kid, mom.  You can hug me at school."  That's the kind of thing that will make your mommy-heart full.  

I had offered to drive Ashlyn to school on the first day because I know her and I knew she would want the comfort of having me there.  Of course, on the way to school I second-guessed myself.  I instantly felt guilty thinking that if she had gone to school in the carpool with her friend she wouldn't have to walk in to a new school all by herself.  I quickly pushed that thought out of my head and focused my attentions on her.

We talked all the way to school.  As she hopped out of the truck I said what I always say, "have a great first day!  I love you!" and she replied, "Bye, Mom.  I love you too."

I saved my tears until after she closed the door.

Yes, I cried as I watched her walk away.  Actually, if I'm being honest, I had to pull over to contain myself so the tears wouldn't blur my vision.  I know you're not shocked.

Being a mom is hard sometimes.  

Letting go isn't easy.  

Our kids hold pieces of our hearts and when we release them out into the world it's as if we've left little pieces of our heart wherever they go.  That's why it still hurts a little bit to watch them walk away.  My kids are getting older and as they become more independent they don't need me as much anymore.  Yes, this is freeing in many ways.  What mother doesn't look forward to the day that she can finally go to the bathroom again without cries for her to come out or little fingers poking beneath the door?

But as freeing as it may be it's also incredibly difficult.  From the very beginning we are our kids' biggest protectors.  When they are little and they fall down or hurt themselves they come to us for comfort.  When they awake from nightmares at night they cry and look to us to ease their fears.  We are their advocates.  We defend them.  We guide them.  But when our kids head out into the world we can't protect them.

It leaves your mommy heart just a little bit raw.  Of course, I trust that anything that happens, both good or bad, is all part of God's plan and that as much as I love my kids, He cares and loves them infinitely more.  And I know my kids still need me.  I know that no matter how independent they may become I will always be their mom.  I hope that I have instilled in them that I will always be here for them.  No matter what.  

Ashlyn and Landon both had an awesome first day of school.  Ashlyn navigated switching classes like a boss and Landon came home fired up to read (yes, I am basking in this miracle).

I leave you with a song that I heard the other day about loving and letting go that speaks right out of my mommy heart.   I pray that both my kids always know how much I love them.

It's a new school year.  With new beginnings.  Hope yours was great!