change

Change isn't always an easy thing.  Sometimes change is good and exciting...like getting married or having a baby.  Quite often though, change is scary and filled with uncertainty.

When we moved over a year ago, Ashlyn had a very difficult time.  She has never become comfortable with the "new" house.  She forgot the fears she had at the old house and now views it as a place that was comforting and secure.  In complete contrast, the house we are in now is the "scary house".  Ashlyn is afraid to be upstairs or downstairs by herself.  When she goes to bed at night she gets up multiple times to tell us she is scared.  Throughout the night she runs down the hall, bursts into our room because she is scared.

I have never been one to deal well with change.  I like my "safe" little world and the comfort of familiarity.  I don't like things in my life to be turned upside down.

All that being said, a change is coming.

We are moving...again.  This time it is not necessarily by choice.  We were backed into a corner and for the health of our family we are moving.

My problem with change is not about a love for the house where we are currently living.  Lord knows we have dealt with a lot of issues in the year that we have been here.  Ultimately, it is just a house.  A material thing to which I have no attachment.

No, my problem with change is the runaway dreams that often feel like they are racing away from me so quickly that all I see is a cloud of dust in their wake.  I worry about how change will affect my kids.  Will they be afraid, will they be ok?

I don't mean to sound like I am down in the dumps about this move.  I am trying to think positively.  Really, I am.  Hopefully, we won't have the same complications at our new home that we have had here.  We do have a lot to be thankful for...we have a roof over our heads.  The kids don't have to change schools.  We will still be able to serve at the same church.  Those are all great things.  They are all amazing answers to prayers.

So why am I frustrated?

Because I am being selfish.  This was not MY plan.  I had a better plan for my family.  I wanted better things.  I wanted a nicer home.

Yep, I have the audacity to think that MY plan is better than God's plan.  Like I don't know that God's plan is better than my own.  How many times have I typed that exact thing on this very blog?!  You would think I would have it down by now.  Thankfully, God is patient.  He is loving.  He is forgiving.  One of these days I will get it through my head.

Interestingly enough, on one of my favorite blogs Flower Patch Farm Girl summed up change in a way that provided a little clarity for me....

"Because whether it's a person or a thing or an inkling of a dream, we all have something we need to unclench if we hold any hope of moving forward. And when you push past the jitters and the dark circles and the heartburn, there's a melty, cozy, tummy-flipping side to change that you might just fall in love with."

Praying this change strengthens me and helps me grow.